Self Evaluation

After watching my own oral presentation from the comfort of my own room, I've made a self evaluation that would be this one.
I'm pretty sure that one of my biggest failures is the timing. It should have lasted at least 5 minutes and mine took 3 minutes and a half only. This was bcause of something that we will discuss in the section "content".
In regards to the rest of the oral presentation, I personally believe that it went quite well.
About the body language part I'm not going to lie; it was a complete disaster. Truth be told, most of the time I pretended that I was reading from my notes, but I was only hiding away from the audience, because I find them quite scary.Even with that taken into consideration, I'm actually happy about how it went in comparison to the rest of my oral presentations, where I got so nervousthat I couldn't even speak. Actally, even some classmates noticed that as well and congartulated me about it.
We'll skip the structre part (because I think that went quite well) straight forward to the content part, that was along the timing, the major issue.
The thing is that I actually had information for like 3 or 4 more slideshows, but somehow it got lost on the way. I looked on the draft-guide and it was there, but it never made it to the powerpoint. I guess that it was due to the anxiety of the moment, because I do remember feeling very anxious while editing the powerpoint and thinking how I was supposed to talk for a long time in front of humans.
I had a language mistake (that I know) because I said "more actual shows" instead of "shows that you can find on TV nowadays".
And I think my pronunciation is a bit lame but I try my hardest, so I can't improve that, and my intonation, like I said in the body language part, had a big improvment in comparison to last year but still with some failures. Taken his into consideration, I'll try to bear it in mind for the next time and I'll try my hardest to do it better.

Tired

I'm pretty sure that I've never been this tired in my entire life. It's like I haven't slept in days. I have had many sleepless nights, and I know how it feels, so I can properly say that this is even worse. I don't have the energy or the motivation to do anything. I'm pretty sure that I just keep going on because that's what I'm supposed to do.
I just want to sleep. I'm always tired. Even today, that I have slept more than 10 hours, just like yesterday.
I'm pretty sure that I can't keep up with this. At all. And I'm not even sure that I want to. What's the point? It just doesn't make much sense.

I used to worry about everything so much. I would have anxiety attacks every single day because I cared so much about everything.

And now.... It just seems impossible for me to care about anything. I just don't care.

Last year, and the one before that (and the one before that) I was obsessed with failing some subjects and I couldn't bare the thought of failing and repeating a year, but now... I just don't care. At all.
It seems so insignificant right now. Like everything.

I don't even know how I manage to get out of bed every day. Inertia, I guess. But it's  pointless. What's the point anyway?

I'm just... so tired. Things that made me anxious don't seem to matter anymore, but things that made me happy are starting to become insignificant as well.
Some people that I used to find funny annoy me so much when they talk to me, even though they don't have done or said anything wrong. I just want them to stop. I just want everything to stop.


And I think about everything I have to do and it seems that I can't take it.
So many tests, so many homework... I can't do it, I'm just so damn tired about everything. I think that even the simple thought of existing makes me tired.
I just procrastinate everything because I don't want to face it. I hate everything. No. I don't hate it. But I don't have the energy and I don't feel like it. It doesn't seem to matter anymore. Even though I know it does. At least, it is supposed to.



God, I'm so annoying. I don't even know why I wrote this. I guess I'm out of ideas and this is the first thought that crossed my mind. I'm sorry about this. Even tough it's just a post and it doesn't even matter

Lack of sleep

Basically, this article says that scientists have revealed that sleeping less than 6 hours a day can increase the risk of an early death. It also says that it may lead to illness as well.

According to this, I'm good as dead. I've been sleeping less than 6 hours for a long time, and I haven't had 8 daily hours of sleep in like, 6 years. Thanks to high school, of course. I'd like to congratulate whoever decided to start at 8.00am every day, because I may die sooner than expected thanks to them.
Thanks :3.

Link to the article

I used to be evil

I get bored easily, and in those boring moments, I like to think. And sometimes when I think I use to remember things.

The other day I was walking the dog and I started to think about my childhood.

And I remember that I used to be... "violent".

Even though I was also very nice, I had a really bad temper.


I remember that once my mom left me in my grandma's house, and I didn't want to stay. I don't remember why, but I didn't feel like staying there. So I started to get pissed, and I also started to cry and scream. I was probably like 2 or 3 years old, so you can imagine how kids of that age can get.
So my grandma held me in her arms trying to calm me, but I kept screaming to my mom that I wanted to go home and I didn't wanted to stay there, but she was starting to leave.
And my grandma used to have this necklace that she always wore, that it was like one of those jesus-religious things with a picture of a saint, and I got so pissed that I screamed "I SAID I DON'T WANT TO STAY IN GRANDMA'S!" and ripped of the necklace from her neck.

Then I remember that everyone was like ":O" and they didn't know how to react to that, so no one said anything. And my grandma had a red mark of me ripping the necklace.


I felt guilty at the second I saw the broken necklace in my hand, and I felt guilty for like 10 years (I don't feel guilty anymore, I don't know why) but damn, I was such a spoiled brat.




I also remember that once, in one of my old schools, I got so pissed with 2 "friends" of mine that I grabbed both of their heads and crashed them against each other. And again, and again, and again.

Well, I remember those two "friends", and they probably deserved it.

My sister saw me, and she keeps telling me how weird it was to see a 6 year-old kid smashing the head of two 6 year-old kids against each other, but I don't believe it was weird. I believe it was justice.

Kids are evil. They get away with everything just because they're little kids, so some of them act like small satanic creatures knowingly and even smile at you like "hey, look what I just did".

Beware the kids.


Actually, beware of the humans.

The Simpsons predicted it.

Back in 2000, an episode of The Simpsons predicted that Donald Trump would be the president of the United States. It is mentioned in the episode Bart to the future, where Lisa becomes the president of the United States and says that the previous president, president Trump, had ruined the country.

The writer explained that they wrote it because "that just seemed like the logical last stop before hitting bottom. It was consistent with the vision of America going insane."

So, if some people were able to see how much of a terrible idea is Trump becoming the president sixteen years ago, I can't understand how can some people not see it now and support him, vote him and make him the president. Humans are unbelievable.

Link

Procrastinating

I am procrastination. It's not that I procrastinate anymore; I have become procrastination itself. And I don't even mean it, I try so hard to focus and do homework/studying a bit that I just can't. I just can't. I try to sit and stare at the book that is in front of me, but before I even notice, unconsciously I have risen from the chair and I'm heading to the stairs, to have a full guided tour by myself through my house, that may take 5 minutes or 3 hours. I just start wandering around every hallway of the house while I think about everything and nothing at the same time, and when I realize that I should go back to study, I aslo realize that I have spent more than half an hour walking around some random room.
When I go back and I try to focus, I just can't. Sometimes I just repeat what I just did (having a looooooong walk), or sometimes I stare at the book while I get anxious and I end up throwing the book away (like in a literal way) and
a. Having an anxiety attack.
b. Hating everything and being pissed.
c. Both.

I don't know. It's never been like this. It has gotten worse and worse over the year. I remember of myself in of 1st of ESO, when I just happened to be a lazy human who wasn't much interested in school, but I had no problem focusing on homework. But now, it's practically impossible. I started to have this problem in 3rd of ESO, but I managed to overcome it. It was hard and I failed a few subjects because I just couldn't study without having a rage attack (books, notebooks and pencils flew all over the room), but I ended up managing. It wasn't as bad as it is now.
Now I spend like 2 hours doing something that usually would have taken like half an hour. And it's not a way of speaking or an exaggeration. The last few times that this happened, I counted the time and it was that. 2 hours of my life wasted away forever.

I don't know. I don't know what I'll do. I'll probably end up failing everything because I can't focus on anything. Well, I guess there's not much I can do.

Email to the teacher

Hi, I'm Aixa Aranda and I'm in your class of English of 2nd of Bachillerat. We were told to send you and e-mail about our goals, related to that video that we watched in class about Obama, and well, here it is.

I do not have goals at all, my life is very dizzy and I haven't got much hope for the future. But I guess that if I had to choose a goal it would be to just stay alive and keep going, because even that is a challenge. Given that my goal is to live, I could face all kinds of challenges, because I guess that that's the main point of life; suffering. I could say that the main goal of life is to overcome challenges, but there are lots of challenges that are impossible to overcome and the only thing for us to do is to suffer.

"So I expect all of you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort in everything you do. I expect big things from each of you. So don’t let us down. Don’t let your family down, or your country down or most of all, don’t let yourself down. Make us all proud."

If I had to choose something about his speech to comment it, it would definitely be that one. It is beautiful, inspiring, and above everything, a big fat lie.

Obama doesn’t care about anyone. I’m pretty sure that no one cares much about anyone. This is a world where everyone follows the rule of the survival of the fittest.

If you fail, nobody cares, you just fall into oblivion. And if you actually manage to make something big in your life, people will pretend that they have always liked you, even though they never did and never will. 

Humans are strange beings.

So, all this happy-positivity stuff annoys me a bit, because it’s just… I don’t know. Even though the quote itself is kind of… cute, it’s a bit… hypocritical coming from the US President, a country where if you don’t belong to a certain social class, you may be treated a bit like… crap. (Sorry about that swear word).  And it’s going to be even worse when Trump becomes the president, because he will, because humans are dumb and will vote for him.

And well, our country is even worse.

I don’t know. The world is an awful place for all of that positivity and happiness.

Or maybe I’m just annoying.

Yeah. It’s probably that.

Why 30 is not the new 20 (video)

Hey.

So, this video basically talks about the importance of not wasting time. About not relaxing when you're on your twenties because you think you're young and you have plenty of time ahead of you. Meg Jay says that everyone trivializes the importance of being twenty and not knowing what to do, but that's just... dumb.

I mean, it's not. I agree that 20's are one of the most defining decades, and I also agree that no one should waste their time, or procrastinate, as she calls it. I do believe that, and I do agree with it. When you are in that defining decade, it's when you’re supposed to start working in your career, your love-life, etc.

But why? First thing I want to talk about. Why is so important to live that kind of live? 

You could spend your twenties working on your career and looking for Mr./Mr.s Right. You can spend your twenties working and studying and getting married and having kids and get that life, the white picket fence that everyone dreams about.

And just to wake up one day and realize that you actually never wanted that. You hate your job, you don't love your spouse that much and your kids are annoying little fucks (sorry for that curse). Your live is repetitive and frustrating. You are doomed to live that kind of life forever, and your kids will be doomed to it as well, and their kids, and their grandkids...

Why is it that everyone thinks that the only way of living is getting married, having kids and a "successful job"?  What if you don't want to live that way?

Is that really the only kind of life that exists? 

You are just supposed to follow what everyone has told you to do for your entire life. But I do not believe that. 

Life should all be about exploring. Or not. Life should be about whatever you want it to be. Not just following that. Working and breeding, not doing all the things you actually want to do because you do not have the time, and when you do have the time, you are too old for it. 

It's kind of messed up, if you think about it. When you are young, you have the time (unless you are in high school, especially in Bachillerat) and the energy to do stuff, but you don't have the money. When you are an adult, you have the money (unless you live in a country like ours) and the energy to do stuff, but you don't have the time. And when you’re old, you are supposed to have the money (not if you live in this country, though) and the time (unless you live in Spain. I guess that if you live here you'll have to wait until you're 67. And if things keep up this way, my generation will retire at 80) but you do not have the energy. 

So what's the point of working so hard to get that kind of live? You never get to enjoy anything. 

Then the media is all about "the little moments" and how happy we are about them and how they are what truly matters. 

"Life is tough, but at the end of the day what truly matters is that you have your family and you love them, so keep working hard and being always tired and never having enough money or anything, because it's all about getting through the day to get home at night and watch TV with your loving family".

They say that to us and we stay satisfied with it, while they spend our money doing whatever the heck they feel like doing, that kind of stuff that we can't do because it doesn't enter in the whole "white picket fence" plan.

Why is it like this? This can’t be the only way of existing.

But then again, we are humans and we always do things the wrong and selfish way. As long as someone has the power to be superior to other person (money being “the power”) it will stay like that. No matter who has it.

And other ways are messed up as well, like communism. Everything is messed up.

I believe that humans where never meant to live together. It never works out.

Or maybe I’m just dumb. Maybe I just wrote a post full of nonsense, because I’m dumb. I don’t know. I’ll never know.

Sorry for this post.

Click here to watch that video.

I'm a whinny person

I'm hungry. I'm really hungry. And I need some sleep. I spent the entire Sunday studying philosophy, and I still haven't finished. And I have a Latin test today, and I haven't studied yet.And I have to do some serious catching-up with history, or I will fail this term.

I'm pretty sure that I'm not a human being anymore, I'm just an empty vessel that goes to school, does homework and studies, to repeat that same routine every day.

My life is just school. I dedicate more than half of my day to school. The part of the day that I'm not doing something related to school, I'm either sleeping or procrastinating because my mind is so freaking tired that I can't do anything else.


I don't know. It's not like I want for you to pity me. "Oh, poor Aixa, she is so tired". No, I don't want that. And even if I wanted that, it probably wouldn't happen.
Still. I don't know. I guess I had to write a post, and this is the only thing that came to my mind.


I can't think when I'm hungry or sleepy, and during this 9 months of suffering and endless torment that is 1st of Batxillerat, I'm always hungry and sleepy.

Crackers

A random day I went to buy crackers. Because I wanted to.

They are not even that good, but I just felt like eating crackers.


The thing is that when I found them, I saw the exactly same crackers, but one euro more expensive.


But the same ones. Same crackers, same package, same everything, but one euro more expensive.

Just because one of those crackers had "cuétara" written on the jar or however the heck that's called.

Does this actually works? I mean, if they do it, is because there is people who buys the expensive ones, even though they are the exactly same crackers.

How can people be so dumb?

I mean, I'm dumb, like the dumbest human being ever, but even I can see that they are the exactly same package of crackers with a different label.

So why does people keep buying the expensive ones?

And yeah, I know, it's just one euro, it's not a big deal, but if you start to collect one euro from every person who buys the expensive crackers instead of the other ones, it is a big deal.

And JFC, it is a big deal. It's a motherfucking euro, for fuck's sake.
It is a fucking big deal.


I mean, for the same amount of money, you can buy two jars of the cheaper crackers but only one of the expensive ones.


But if they keep making that, it's because it works, and people buys the expensive ones.

Like I said a thousand times before, humans are dumb.

No title

I'm supposed to write 6 your-says, and I've only written one, and I'm out of ideas.

And they're supposed to have a 100 words, and this one only has 30.

Jesus Christ.

What's the point? I can't write. I'm an awful writer.

It must be so boring to read everything that I write.

I'm sorry for this blog.

It is so bad, and you're supposed to read it. Or not. Who knows.
I don't even know if I should upload this to the blog.
Who knows. Who cares. Not me.


I just don't know what I can write about.


There. 100 words. Well, 105 now.

Procrastinantig

According to the Urban Dictionary, procrastination means "avoid doing something for as long as possible, sometimes not doing it at all".

There. That's what I do. That's what I live for.

I procrastinate a lot.

I spend my life procrastinating, and I'm pretty sure that that is the main cause of all my problems.

I have procrastinated with all the writings of the blog, and I'm supposed to write all of them today, because today is the deadline.

The thing is that I don't feel like writing. I'm sick, I get dizzy, I have a fever and I'm really tired, but here I am, writing all of the blog posts because I procrastinated and today is the deadline.

Existence

Sometimes I don't believe in anything.

And I don't mean it in an emo way, I mean its existence.

How do I know that everything I see its real?. How do I know that I'm not in a coma, or asleep? Or just having hallucinations?

I don't know.

Sometimes nothing seems real. And again, I don't mean it in an emo way, like "everything is so shitty and I don't like it buah buah buah", I mean that it looks fake.

Sometimes, when I'm bored at class and not paying attention (something that happens way more than it should) I start to think.

"What if actually I'm like dying on the floor, having convulsions, and I just think that I'm sitting here?. How can I know that I am sitting still, and not dancing on the tables and kicking everyone's faces while they are panicking".

Or when I talk to someone, five seconds later I'm like "what if I just made up that conversation and it never happened".

And if sometimes I wanna talk to someone about something we said another day I start to think stuff like "what if that never happened, and if I say that out loud they will think that I'm crazy?".

Well, it's not like I actually give a damn if people thinks that I'm crazy, but what if I am?

What if I am crazy, and this is all an hallucination?

Or what if I'm in a coma, and everything that's happening is just a nightmare?

Then I spent the rest of the day thinking about it and, by the end of the day nothing makes sense.

It's like when you start to repeat a word, and by the time that word starts to sound weird and stops making sense.

I think I think a bit too much.

But I have to think, right? I mean, if I didn't think, I would be a robot.

But what if I'm a robot? What if we all are robots, or just some of us, and only a few ones know it and they don't say it to us, the actual robots?

I really think a bit too much.

Idealizing past times

Sometimes I'm such an emo.

I'm like "whoa everything is a shit humans are shit blablablah".

And of course "Jesus Fucking Christ, this year sucks, the past one was so much better."

I mean, I've been saying that a lot for the past few years, but, how the fuck is it possible?

If this one is a shit, next year I'll should remember it as the shit that is has been, not like "a year much better than this one".

I do that. A lot. Even though I know this year is not that bad and that it could be worse, I still think that 4 of ESO was better.

And yeah, it was, but that's not the case.

Why does everyone tends to idealize past times?

Like childhood. Everyone remembers childhood like a time full of rainbow kisses and unicorn stickers.

"Oh man I miss my childhood when I didn't had to do homework/go to school/go to work/pay the bills/etc. My only worry was to play and not worry at all.

It was awesome."

Fuck no!

It was a fucking hell.

It is the most boring time of the life. You can't do anything. You are just something that is around, depending 24/7 of your parents.

I mean, if all the kids want to grow up is because of something, right?

Childhood sucked.

Like middle school.

I remember that when I left middle school, everyone said to me "oh Aixa you'll see it in a few years. You will be at high-school and thinking "oh man, I miss middle school". You'll see how much you'll miss it in a few years."

Well bitch it's been five fucking years and I still don't miss it.

Sure, I had a few good moments. But no.

 I don't miss it. At all.

But a lot of people does.

 Sometimes even me.

Well no, I don't miss it, but sometimes I think "middle school was better, because I didn't had all of this work".

Then I remembered everything of middle school and I say to myself "lol nope it was not".

Anyway.

Why does people idealize past times so much?

They forget about the bad things, and keep the good ones.

That's not how it should work, because that way you'll always think that past times were better and you'll feel like now everything is worse.

Or maybe past times were better and I'm just an idiot who hates everything.

Who the fuck knows.