Being dead.

I believe that at this point we're all dead. Keeping up with 2nd of Batxillerat has killed us all. Well, I'm pretty sure that I was already dead long before that, but just by looking at everyone else's faces it's easy to see that we've been murdered.

And even though I'm aware that I'll fail and next year, while all my classmates are at college, I'll still be here, I can't get the strength that it takes to do a final effort to get better grades at the subjects that I'll actually pass.

It's not laziness like everyone thinks. It's just that I'm dead.

I find it kind of funny because everyone keeps telling me that I should try to make it, I should try to pass philosophy and Spanish, but it's pretty much impossible. I'm supposed to do in a couple of weeks what I haven't been able to do in 2 years of Spanish and 1 of philosophy.

Maybe I can't do it because I can't focus. No matter how hard I try, I just can't. And when I try, my anxiety decides that it's a great moment to pop up and make everything worse.

Or maybe I'm just dumb. I think I'm dumb. Or maybe just happy.

All that I know is that for the past two years I've become a needless and empty vessel that somehow manages to pass a few tests with two meals a day, three to six hours of sleep and not a single second that won't be regretted later. Apart from that, my ability to focus has disappeared and my anxiety has gone from "a lot" to "taking over your entire existence".

I hate everyone. I went from "slightly annoyed person" to "grumpy the 2nd dwarf". I hate even more that I'll be doing this awful 2nd of Batxillerat thing for two years of my life. And I hate even more to be told that "I'm not trying hard enough/should try harder/shouldn't give up".

Why fight for something that's already lost?

Would a blind person be asked to read? Then why someone as dumb/useless as me is asked to "try harder"? 

I'm mentally dead anyway. I just keep moving foward because of inertia.